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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26758294">Back alleys</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Faith_the_Border_Collie/pseuds/Faith_the_Border_Collie'>Faith_the_Border_Collie</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Twilight (Movies), Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Implied/Referenced Character Death, implied prostitution</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 13:09:50</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>17,934</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26758294</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Faith_the_Border_Collie/pseuds/Faith_the_Border_Collie</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Trying to kill time while Alice is out hunting, Jasper stumbled upon a human in trouble. Does he stop to help or walk away? Darker story. Set after NM, but Bella never jumped.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>31</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>I do not own Twilight.</strong>
</p><p>Warning: angst, brief references to prostitution and references to character deaths.</p><p>
  <strong>Jasper</strong>
</p><p>What am I doing walking down this street? I know that Alice has gone hunting with Rosalie and asked for some time to herself. While it isn't uncommon, it usually means she needs to talk to them without me. I'm always worried when that happens. I love her with my entire heart, so the idea that I could have done something wrong was inconsolable.</p><p>It had taken time, but over the last 5 years the family had finally started to recover from the events in Forks. Unsurprisingly, it had taken Edward the longest. The first year everyone had been a wreck. All of us had expected to return within weeks so we were reluctant to settle properly. It soon became apparent that we were here for the long run. After that everyone started to relax and return to life as we previously knew it.</p><p>This was part of the reason we had gone away for a while. Alice, Emmett, Rosalie and I had decided to spend 3 months travelling and having some fun. We didn't have any commitments anymore and it was nice to enjoy the world without needing to think about anything else.</p><p>We were moving around together but spending time mostly in couples. It's refreshing to have some privacy. However normal the listening ears are, we always take the opportunity to be alone together. She loved traveling around America visiting the sights. It didn't matter how many times I showed her, she looked at them as though it was the first time she had ever seen them. I suspected that part of the joy I felt was forced for my benefit, but I bathed in it anyway.</p><p>Her emotions were something I could spend forever in. She radiates such bright and refreshing emotions that I often find myself lost in them. I smile to myself remembering her delight at seeing Chinese Gardens earlier today.</p><p>Thinking about her reminded me of the fact she was gone. Emmett may have been happy to chill in a hotel with the TV, but I'd grown too restless. Deciding a walk was a good bet, I'd ended up here. No aim, just killing time for when Alice comes back.</p><p>Somehow, I'd managed to end up in the darker part of Portland. I was considering heading back when I heard a cry.</p><p>Before meeting Bella I never would have considered getting involved. Humans would be humans, what was the point on saving one when they'd just go on and hurt another. Now, I stopped.</p><p>I listened closer for a moment, trying to identify the source of the sound. It was faint, but locatable. Backtracking on myself, I started to head down an alley.</p><p>"I said no." A sickly female voice said.</p><p>"Come on love, you served the other guy. I'll give you extra." This voice is sickening. I'm close enough to get a feel for the emotions and it's gut wrenching. Lust, determination and greed. They were rolling off him in strong waves that made me want to vomit, if I could.</p><p>"Please, not today. Go round the corner. Loads there for your choosing." The voice was croaky, muffled. There was a slight rasp to each word that sounded painful. Whoever this was, was clearly in a bad way. Should I really get involved? It's just a human. I don't need to be getting myself dragged into some mess involving police and witnesses.</p><p>I'm about to walk away when I notice the emotions, or lack of. They're completely blank. No, not blank, numb.</p><p>That decided it for me. I needed to help this person. I knew that numbness, having to face a world so horrific and burial that you bury everything deep, deep inside. Switching yourself off from reality to save yourself from atrocities you're facing and forced to participate in.</p><p>"Awe, but I want your pretty face. I love your… innocence."</p><p>"I'm far from innocent sir, as you well know." Why is she being so polite to him? She's said no and from the feeling's he isn't backing away. I'm not far away, but there are too many witnesses to move faster.</p><p>"I remember well." His voice is laced with malice. "Just a quickie. I know you need the money." He's teasing her. What happened to the days when men were raised to respect women? To treat them like they're royalty and the most precious being on the planet?</p><p>"She said no sir," I say clearly into the darkness. I know he hears me; I see his flinch. "I think you should bid her goodnight and be on your way."</p><p>I can't see the woman he was talking to; she's hidden in an alcove under bundles of blankets. The odour is so overpowering. She is clearly homeless, the stench of body odour, urine and trash gives her away, but underneath, there is something I recognise. I can't place it, part of it has changed.</p><p>There isn't time for that now. I need to get rid of this man, preferably without killing him.</p><p>"Oh ye, and what you gonna do bout it fancy boy?" He's squaring up to me, trying to intimidate me. Unfortunately for him, he is picking a fight with the wrong man.</p><p>Sending out a small wave of fear, I say, "I'm not going to do anything unless I need to. My suggestion to leave still stands." I smirk at him.</p><p>"Now, I'm not after no trouble. I was just talking to the slu… lady." How disgusting. Did he really only see her as an object for pleasure?</p><p>"Good day." I throw a little more fear towards him. He looks like he is going to wet himself at the idea of coming closer to me, so I step back slightly to allow him clear passage.</p><p>I watch him leave feeling satisfied.</p><p>"You didn't need to do that." The small voice says. It's weary. Broken.</p><p>"My pleasure ma'am." I allow a small amount of my southern drawl come through. It was something that I knew the ladies loved and found reassuring.</p><p>What do I do now? Something about her prevents me from wanting to leave. It's like I'm meant to be here, meant to do something. I wish Alice were here, but knowing her, she had already seen this. It could be the reason she went off alone.</p><p>"Just leave me alone." Her voice is cold and detached. My charm didn't work? Was she too far gone to save?</p><p>I edge closer, hoping to get a glance at the woman. I'm successful, but I wish I wasn't.</p><p>Buried beneath a mountain of ragged blankets is an ashen white heart shaped face. The once beautiful long brown hair now lays limply around her face. It's greasy and matted, generally uncared for. Looking closer at her face, I see bruises in various states of healing. What struck me hardest was her eyes. They were completely empty.</p><p>"Bella?" I whisper.</p><p>It can't be here. What could have happened in 5 years to land her somewhere like this. I couldn't help but wonder if this was my fault.</p><p>"Does it matter?" She snaps. "Just leave me alone."</p><p>She's starting to shiver. Her cheeks are sunken and flushed, clashing sharply with the sickly white of her face. The illness is clear but I am unable to identify what.</p><p>Shrugging off my jacket, I offer it to her. She just looks at me with a pointed stare. Hoping she doesn't stop me, I gently place it on top of the blanket pile, hopefully it will help in some way. I sit down next to her in the small alcove.</p><p>"Of course it matters!" She's avoiding looking at me now. "What happened?"</p><p>She laughs slightly, "Wouldn't you like to know."</p><p>"I would. Would you tell me?"</p><p>I wait patiently but receive no response.</p><p>"Can I at least get you something? Some food? Something hot to drink?" I pause for a moment wondering if I should continue. "I'm worried."</p><p>Again, a small laugh. "I'm fine thank you. Just leave me alone."</p><p>It's then that the problem occurs to me. Last time I'd seen her, I'd taken a snap at her. She wouldn't want me anywhere near her.</p><p>"Emmett's not far, I can call him if you prefer…"</p><p>She interrupts me with a sharp, "No."</p><p>At least it isn't just me. Besides, I don't feel any fear coming from her.</p><p>"Did you know that man?" I ask trying to get any response.</p><p>She sighs loudly, "You could say that. Seriously just go away and forget you ever saw me." I know from her tone she is being deadly serious.</p><p>"Can you even look me in the face and assure me that you are alright?" She turns her head further away from me, fixing her stare on a nearby rock. "Let me help?"</p><p>"Help! You want to help!" She has snapped her head up to glare at me. "I don't need anymore help from your kind." I notice her jump as she realised what she has said, clearly, she hadn't intended to tell me that much.</p><p>I don't say anything. With any luck she will start rambling excuses which will lead to more information. I could wait. I really hoped her body could too.</p><p>I'm in luck, a few moments later I hear a sniff. She's started crying. I brush a small amount of comfort towards her, encouraging her.</p><p>"She killed them all, I lost everything." Tears were flowing freely down her face. "Victoria. She picked off my family one by one. Ripping everything from me. Started with Charlie. Made it seem like something to do with work, but I knew better. There wasn't another logical reason why he would have been drained of blood at a spotless crime scene. Renee wanted me to go home, but there were only a few weeks left until graduation. Those weeks were hard. I spent most of my time with the pack. I assume you know about the wolves?" She looked at me, so I nodded in affirmation. "Well there's a new pack, Jake's one. He helped me so much that year. Both when you guys left and then when I lost Charlie. I was safe from her on the res, or so we thought, so I spent as much time there as I could. Jake and I got closer. What started as a brotherly relationships, soon developed into something more…"</p><p>She trailed off, obviously caught up in a memory. I was horrified that we were the reason she had lost her Father. I'd said Victoria needed dealing with at the time, but I had been overruled. Edward had hunted her for a while, but his tracking skills are beyond useless. It hadn't even occurred to me to help. He wasn't in a good head space at the time, I'd just been grateful for a break from his self-pitying emotions.</p><p>"Sorry. Well, we started officially dating about a year after you left. I didn't have enough money to go away to college, and after pretty much flunking that last year my chances of getting in were slim anyway. One day the new chief came to visit me. He had news that Renee and Phil were found dead. Their car had gone off a bridge not far from home. My world broke and Jake yet again spent months rebuilding it. I knew it was getting more serious between us. To be honest it scared me to death. I pushed him away, but he was unrelenting. Steadfast through it all.</p><p>"Two years after you left, we started discussing the future, our options. I knew he had a ring; I'd already found it when I was doing it laundry one day. I was almost happy. The proposal was beautiful. Small, intimate, me. Marriage wasn't something I'd ever seen in my future, but it seemed like the next logical move. It wasn't. Jake imprinted. A split second and I was dismissed. Thrown in the trash.</p><p>"I'd sold Charlie's house ages before, so I had no where to go. All of my savings had been stupidly joint with his savings, we were working towards our own house. Anyway, Seth found out what happened and offered for me to stay with him for a while. I felt weird being on the reservation. Being around Jake and Sophie. I was pregnant."</p><p>I snapped my head towards her. She had been pregnant! Bella had a child.</p><p>"It was Leah who figured it out. Damn shared mind meant I couldn't even sneak away. Being a descendant of the pack, I knew I'd never be allowed to raise them away from the reservation. I also knew that I couldn't stay.</p><p>"The next 7 months were torture. I told no one of my plan. I'd decided that once the child was born, I'd leave them with Jake and Sophie. I'm not mother material. They'd be loved, cared for, wanted. I didn't know if I would even be able to look at them without my heart breaking at what I'd lost. 2 weeks after she was born, I took what little I could fit in my truck and left in the middle of the night.</p><p>"I found an apartment and a job here in Portland. If they looked for me, I never saw them. Didn't see any missing notifications or anything else. That hurt bad. I'd been forgotten. I missed my daughter. Every day I fought the urge to go back and claim her as my own. I just couldn't go crawling back to a man who would only ever see me as burden.</p><p>"It wasn't long before Victoria caught up with me again. She tortured me for days. I begged her to just kill me, but she wouldn't. I'll spare you the details. She left me in a street near my apartment. I could only watch as she set fire to the building. I was hurt, alone and with nothing but the rags I was wearing. I couldn't afford medical care.</p><p>"Someone helped me, I don't know who. I'm sure you must be disgusted by me, by what you heard, but it isn't easy. I have to find a way."</p><p>"You could never disgust me." I said firmly. "I'm horrified, not by you, by the way you've been treated. I'm amazed at your strength, your courage, your fight. You are an incredible woman Bella."</p><p>She's only just realised she's crying. A thin and filthy hand snakes it's way from beneath the bundle and scrubs at her face.</p><p>"Anyway," her cold tone is back. "Thank you for the company, I'd like to sleep now."</p><p>The story and emotions must have exhausted her. I can see her eyelids are staring to droop.</p><p>"Do you really expect me to leave you here? To leave you alone like this. Let us help you. Please." I know I'm begging, but I can't leave her here like this. Not when it's practically our fault she's in this mess.</p><p>"Yes, I do. Goodbye Jasper."</p><p>Her eyes close.</p><p>
  <strong>Thank you for reading, please comment and let me know what you thought.</strong>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>I do not own Twilight.</strong>
</p><p>Warning: angst and brief references to prostitution.</p><p>
  <strong>Jasper</strong>
</p><p>"Em, pick up!" I am practically shouting into the dial tone. It had rung out three times now.</p><p>I'd panicked when her eyes had closed. I don't know enough about humans to know what is happening. She looks so sick and fragile. While she could have easily been asleep, I just didn't know. The lack of emotions from her wasn't helping.</p><p>It was just like when before, when Alice had been helping me from that atrocity of a past and I'd wake up from the Major to see a lifeless body. I'd never know what he had done to the poor being and for that I was eternally grateful. The aftermath was bad enough.</p><p>Finally, the ringing ends and a playful voice shouts, "Bro! You've been gone forever. Lost?"</p><p>I don't have the patience for his teasing. Surely, he must realise that after three missed calls something is wrong. Even he can't be that stupid.</p><p>"I need you to come meet me, bring a car." I growl out the street address, then hang up the phone, not bothering to wait for a response.</p><p>Beside me, Bella's body is wracked with violent shudders. I hear each time her delicate frame bashed against the unrelenting stone wall. The mounds of blankets barely cushion the sound.</p><p>The seasons are starting to change. I know that although the temperatures are dropping, it isn't anywhere near as cold as she must have experienced. Somewhere in the back of my mind I remember the same feeling. My human memories are faint, becoming more distant as the decades progress. It's rare that I think about my before life now. Bella's response to the cold reminds me of those final years. The years on the battlefield with no shelter or comfort. While it had never been this cold, compared to the baking heat of summer, winters were a shock to the system. I vowed Bella would never feel this again; I couldn't leave her to endure the torment I had been rescued from.</p><p>I blame myself for her situation. Really, who else is there to blame? All of the consequences lead back to my own actions. I'd not hunted like I should have that day, I stupidly thought I would be alright, I was getting used to her. Bella paid the price for my negligence.</p><p>For months the what if's spun around in my head. What if I had hunted? What if I had tried better to learn control? What if I had just killed her the first day Edward found her?</p><p>Despite their words of reassurance, I could feel the family's blame. Part of me longed to explain, to excuse my behaviour, but I knew it was my fault.</p><p>Now, looking down at the broken human, I know that that no excuse could be enough.</p><p>She clearly needs medical attention. Emmett is my only choice. It wouldn't be safe for me to take her to the hospital alone. I could have just called an ambulance and let her go without me, but I had a strange feeling that if I did that I'd never see her again. Besides, how could I put that financial burden on her? No, I needed to accompany her in some way.</p><p>Mentally I am beating myself up for the predicament. I wish I had spent these last few years learning from my mistake. I should have focused on controlling my blood lust further. I am a disgrace to my name - a Major who cannot help a woman in need due to my own inattention to problems in front of me.</p><p>So, I sit and wait, and wait, and wait.</p><p>My thoughts are racing, weighing up all of the possible options. Should I run her to the hospital myself? I can't do that, how would I explain not being able to enter? Should I find more blankets, maybe a hot water bottle? No, who knows what would happen in my absence.</p><p>I try calling Emmett again, but he doesn't answer. Maybe I should have stopped to explain the situation further, impressed the severity of the situation on Emmett before hanging up, made him rush. The waiting is torture. I desperately hope that it won't cause Bella to get worse. Would Emmett ever forgive himself if Bella died due to his lack of urgency?</p><p>I'm longing to do something more to help. Anything! My body is as stone cold as the wall she leans against so I can't even off her any warmth. I have nothing to offer her, no way to help.</p><p>Since I signed up to war, religion is something I'd never considered. We were monsters. If there is a God, he must be looking down on us, these violations of nature, in despair. Regardless, I find myself begging to any and all gods for a reprieve.</p><p>It is over an hour later when I finally hear a car approaching that I recognise. Leaping to my feet, I jog at human speed to the alley end to wave him down. I'm sure he could have located me by himself, but I wasn't prepared to wait for his procrastination any longer.</p><p>"What the hell man! What you doing down here? Get in, let's go." He's pissed.</p><p>"Keep the engine running and put the heat on. Just stay there. I'll be back." My voice is laced with the clear and commanding tone I'd learnt as a Major. I don't even wait to see if he has followed my instructions, my entire focus is on returning to Bella.</p><p>Reaching her, I send the strongest dose of lethargy I can and hope that it will work. I'd never experienced such a numb creature before, so I don't know if it will keep her asleep long enough for the journey.</p><p>Am I deluding myself? Is she beyond help? I know she is alive; I can hear her weak heartbeat, but I don't see the signs you'd usually expect from a sleeping human. No subtle eye movement beneath their lids. No whispering like she used to. The only visible movement is the violent tremors and shaky, uneven breaths.</p><p>I start to gently unpeel the blanket bundle. The sight beneath is agonising. I can't help but let out a small noise of shock.</p><p>From the car I hear Emmett call to me asking what's going on, but I don't bother to reply, focused entirely on the job at hand. The years of training are so ingrained in me that I couldn't switch them off if I wanted to.</p><p>Sure, in the past there had been times I wish I could have relaxed fully around my family. I have resigned myself to living in a constant state of awareness, the ability to process the external environment to prepare for any potential ambush while keeping my focus entirely on the needed job. It makes others nervous, but I can't make myself feel guilty about it. It had saved my life far too many times.</p><p>I'm trying to be as gentle as I can removing the blankets. I would not cause more damage if I could help it.</p><p>The stench coming from beneath the folds is overpowering on my sensitive vampire nose, but I push through. Numerous bugs scurry out as I dislodge their homes. I'm horrified. How could she be living like this?</p><p>I hear Emmett approach behind me. I would know his footfall anywhere. "She's homeless. No one will notice her. Just make it look like a murder. Let's go before the cops come."</p><p>He thinks I've drunk from her?! Is that really all they see in me, a mistake waiting to happen? Somewhere deep inside my chest I feel a growl starting to build.</p><p>"I said stay with the car. Go." The soft rumble comes as a warning to all creatures. A caution not to mess with me.</p><p>In my peripheral vision I see him move closer and then flinch realising what he is seeing. There is a strangled cry of grief as he realises who it is.</p><p>"Go," I growl at him again. Thankfully he listens.</p><p>Having removed the final blanket, I get my first clear view of her body.</p><p>Emaciated doesn't even begin to cover it. I have to wonder when she last ate a proper meal. She's just skin hanging off of a skeleton. Her worn and threadbare jacket swamps her body. Poking beneath I see what must have once been a red dress. I knew the reason for the dress but I don't allow my brain to linger on that thought. Even without having overheard the conversation from earlier the distinct salty taste would have given it away.</p><p>My heart broke a little more as I imagined the once beautiful, strong and courageous woman treated in that way.</p><p>There are several bruises all over her body, some with the distinct five point impression of handprints. The blankets had hidden the clear marks around her neck. It causes the Major within me to roar protectively. They stood out clearly on her chalk white complexion. She almost looks like one of us.</p><p>"We are going to fix this," I whisper to her. I know she can't hear me, but I need to reassure the demon building inside me.</p><p>I wrap my jacket around her shoulders and use the cleanest blanket to protect her modesty. She doesn't even have any shoes. The soles of her feet are a bloody mess.</p><p>Scooping her up as gently as I can, I hug her close.</p><p>Our procession back to the car is slow. I am terrified of hurting her further. Although I can barely feel the way her tremors bang into my chest, I know that it could potentially cause more damage.</p><p>I nearly cry in relief when I realise that Emmett has listened to me. The car is radiating heat as I place her ever so gently into the front seat and fasten the seatbelt in place. When I am sure she is secure and as comfortable as she can be, I climb into the back, leaving the wheel for Emmett. He's already searched for the local hospital and has the directions waiting on his phone.</p><p>He drives steadily, taking corners slowly so as not to jostle Bella further. I could feel his fear barrelling into me and it wasn't helping me to manage my own. I needed to keep myself cool and calm so that I didn't project anything negative along with the lethargy.</p><p>The tension makes the ten minute journey feel like a lifetime.</p><p>"I can't go in," I mutter. Admitting weakness is not something I am comfortable with.</p><p>He just nods and I watch helplessly as he hurries the broken body inside.</p><p>I park the car up in the closest available spot and jump out. I know that being this close to the hospital isn't a good idea, but I can't bear the idea of being so far from her.</p><p>I don't know how long I'm pacing back and forth when my phone buzzes.</p><p>"Where are you?" It's Alice. She must have returned to the empty hotel room confused. I am so out of it. I should have informed everyone what was happening. I hadn't even told Emmett her story - what if he didn't know the information?</p><p>I look around for a sign, hoping it will help me identify a location. "Portland ER," I whisper.</p><p>"We'll be there soon." I love Alice in that moment. She doesn't ask questions, simply acts, trusting me.</p><p>My mind flashes back to that day, the day we'd met. I'd not long left Peter and Charlotte, struggling with their diet. I was on a destructive streak, refusing to release the Major but also being unable to hunt; the overwhelming emotions of humans just before they died was too much for me. So, I'd done the only option available to me - I'd starved until I could bear it no longer.</p><p>I was hunting, trying to find the human with the worst emotions so as to alleviate my guilt, when Alice had danced up to me and promised to help. She'd supported me through it all, never judging, simply being a steadfast body ready to pick up the pieces every time I slipped.</p><p>Part of me doubted she would ever truly know the horrors I'd been through. I'd shared some of it with her in the past and she had never once shown even the slightest hint of disgust or repulsion as I had expected. She had seen the Major on many occasions, sat while I fought with my self-control.</p><p>Now Bella needs me to do the same and what am I doing? I'm pacing in the parking lot. She has been through so much as a result of my actions and I'm not even strong enough to help her.</p><p>My hands go to my head, pulling on my hair as I wear a path into the grassy area. I'm feeling so useless. Inside, the Major is screaming, roaring in anger. He had never reacted like this to anyone but Alice before.</p><p>Soft hands encase my own and remove them gently.</p><p>I stare down into her golden orbs and allow her emotions to fill me. Her peace is my undoing. The world crashes around me as I understand the enormity of the situation.</p><p>Never before had I felt this way about a human. I'd killed them as sport for so many years, yet this clumsy girl had captured a piece of my heart. My sister.</p><p>I collapse into Alice; my shoulders wracked with sobs.</p><p>"It's all my fault," my inner monologue verbalised for the first time.</p><p>She doesn't comment, doesn't tell me to do anything, just stands and allows me to break. The Major is screaming at me to pull myself together, but I know that I am safe. Nothing is going to happen here and even if it were Alice would see it and warn me.</p><p>I'm too far gone to contain myself when Rosalie approaches us. Her bitter and self-obsessed emotions awaken the beast within me.</p><p>I turn and snarl a deep growl at her. "You are not welcome here."</p><p>At my words, her emotions suddenly change into anxiety. Good, she should be scared of me. I'm settled slightly when she backs away and drives off. I storm into the building, needing the reassurance that she hadn't harmed Bella further. If she had, then I doubted even Carlisle could save her.</p><p>The waiting room is thankfully nearly empty. My eyes lock immediately on Emmett. He's sitting stiffly, obviously having heard my threats towards his wife.</p><p>"Update," I demand. Behind me Alice is explaining something to him, but I don't care. "Now!"</p><p>He looks terrified. None of the family except Alice had seen me as the Major and I knew how terrifying it was. I'm not called the God of War for nothing.</p><p>"She's been admitted, we just need to wait. I don't know anything. they won't talk to me." He stammers the explanations. "Should you be in here?"</p><p>I send him a sharp look. He is a vampire; surely, he is capable of finding out information from humans.</p><p>Alice tries to stop me as I stalk towards the reception desk, but I pay no notice. The lady behind the desk turns deathly pale as she meets my gaze briefly.</p><p>"Bella Swan, update now."</p><p>She looks like she is going to refuse, but I focus my brows and send her a wave of fear.</p><p>"Of course, someone will be right out." She's scurries away.</p><p>I don't thank her.</p><p>
  <strong>Thank you for reading, please comment and let me know what you thought.</strong>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>I do not own Twilight.</strong>
</p><p>Warning: angst and brief references to prostitution.</p><p>
  <strong>Jasper</strong>
</p><p>"Hello sir," a very nervous man manages to squeak. "You are asking after a Miss Swan I understand?"</p><p>How useless could this human be? If he already knew what I wanted why wasn't get getting on with doing it. They just don't raise them right these days. I pitch my face into a glare which causes him to start trembling.</p><p>"Well, you must understand Sir, umm, we cannot disclose information on a patient."</p><p>Is he kidding? His emotions don't show he is yet he seems to be under the misconception that he can talk to me in this way. I am the Major, I am treated with respect and when I demand something it happens. Does he not know who I am?</p><p>A small voice in the back of my mind reminds me that he doesn't but I pay no notice.</p><p>Taking a step closer, which causes the man to gulp, I say, "I want an update on Miss Swan." My tone, along with the waves of irritation and fear I am sending him, leaves no room for discussion.</p><p>"O – Of course Sir, I just," he looked around, possibly hoping someone would step in and help. Unfortunately, humans know to avoid us, even if they don't do so consciously. So, he is on his own. "Will you follow me."</p><p>Making a gesture for the others to remain where they are, I follow the terrified man down a corridor and into a small room I realize must be his office. I can't help thinking to myself that this establishment is doomed to fail with spineless incompetence like this man.</p><p>The office is simple, the paint is fading and there are numerous certificates littering the walls. Pieces of paper he must be so proud of. There is a rickety desk holding an old-fashioned computer and a selection of chairs.</p><p>"Please, sit," he says, gesturing a shaking hand towards a particularly worn chair in front of the desk. I choose not to sit, instead standing behind it placing my hands on it's back. Realizing I am not going to move, he stammers on, "What is your name please, Mr…"</p><p>I have to catch myself from correcting him. While I may identify as Major Jasper Whitlock, I know that it will not work with the current crowd. "Mr Whitlock," I say shortly, showing my intolerance of his delay.</p><p>"I see, and what would your relation be to Miss Swan." I see beads of sweat are starting to fall down his brow. Good, he should be scared of me.</p><p>"She is my sister," I say sending him a small amount of compliance. I know from experience that changing the emotional response doesn't always change the thought pattern, so I am careful to only make minor suggestions.</p><p>"Her file has no mention of any living relations," he says riffling through some paperwork on his desk. "Your names are also different…" the last part was muttered quietly in a voice he didn't know I could hear.</p><p>Bored of indulging his games, I say in a cold voice, "Miss Swan, report."</p><p>He gulps, "Of course, I'll just, Umm." Why do humans always become so unintelligible when they are scared. After making some subtle changes to his emotional cocktail, he continues, "Brought in by the young man in the waiting area, no history, incomplete medical files. Do you have any information regarding the last 5 years? There is a large gap."</p><p>"I do, please continue." He looks at me for a moment, apparently expecting me to provide him with the details. He is much mistakes, my family will be the first to find out about her past and even then, it shall only be if Bella deems it acceptable.</p><p>"Yes," he mops his brow, "she presented with general malnutrition which has caused secondary complications such as anemia. There are multiple trauma injuries present. When we attempted to speak with her, she refused to answer any of our questions, so we are unsure if any were self-inflicted. Her immune system is poor meaning she is struggling to fight of what appears to be a common cold. There is evidence of sexual activity, again we are unsure if this was consensual. A rape kit has been completed however we won't know the results of the STD screening for a day or so. We believe she is homeless. If she is, there isn't more we can offer her. She is uninsured and doesn't appear to have the financial means to pay for any further non-emergency care."</p><p>I look at him amazed. "Do not worry about finances, I shall be making arrangements." If this fool has inadvertently caused her harm through negligence, I'll have his job.</p><p>He looked taken aback, "Of course, I shall make the arrangements. I am really not sure what more we can do for her though. We have prescribed her medication but what she needs most is food, warmth and rest." I ignore the undercurrent of judgement in his tone.</p><p>"I will make arrangements for that also." He nods at me. "Is there anything else that I need to know?"</p><p>"No, nothing," he says very quickly, terrified of what my response would be if he was hiding something. "She will be discharged later today."</p><p>I nod in slight gratitude and walk out.</p><p>As I leave, I feel the waves of relief come barreling towards me. I give Alice, who is standing opposite the door waiting for me, a smug grin. She doesn't look happy. Her emotions are calm, but it feels false somehow.</p><p>"Will you come with me? I need to talk to you." She says firmly. Placing my hand on her hair, I coo slightly to my mate who is clearly stressed by something. Does she not trust me to take care of this situation? "Come on."</p><p>She takes my hand and leads me away out of the hospital. I have to hold back a grown when I realize where she is taking me.</p><p>It's only when I breath the fresh air that I realize how much I had been struggling. My eyes are as black as night. Taking deep unneeded gulps of air, I send a wave of gratitude towards Alice.</p><p>She places her hands on either side of my face and look deeply into my eyes. I know what she is trying to say, it has always been that way with us, we only need to look to know what the other is thinking. "I need Jasper back," she whispers unnecessarily.</p><p>She's right. I've lost control of myself. We've moved under the canopy of a copse trees a short way from the lot. A human would only be able to see us if they were looking.</p><p>"Focus on me," she whispers once again pressing her forehead gently to mine. It reminded me of the countless times in the early days that I had slipped and been unable to handle the grief.</p><p>Just as I start to feel the shame building within me, her forgiveness fills me. She knows, she always knows.</p><p>My body is acutely aware of the environment, but my eyes are only for her. Staring into her amber eyes, I allow myself to bathe in her emotions as they slowly wear away at my defenses. As they start to wear thin, her forgiveness turns to pure love. It's raw and powerful, had I been human it would have floored me.</p><p>I can feel myself gaining control back. Every moment I spend with her I feel more grounded.</p><p>"Thank you."</p><p>"I love you," she replies as I pull away slightly. Now that I am back with reality, my concern for Bella is growing. "I asked Emmett to rent an apartment and then go find Rosalie. I thought it would be for the best."</p><p>"Yes, I should apologize to her for the way I acted." My voice is full of regret.</p><p>"She will understand. Do you want to go back inside?"</p><p>I contemplate this for a moment, unsure if it is safe for me to return to such an environment. Part of me wants to run and never risk my sanity again, but I know I can't let her go through this alone. "I need to help her."</p><p>Alice nods, clearly having already seen my decision. She takes my hand and escorts me back into the building.</p><p>I can't help the guilt that creeps up on me when I see the way the receptionist pales when I enter. I must have scared her half to death.</p><p>"We would like to see Bella please," Alice says. "She is going to be discharged into our family's care."</p><p>We follow the lady down a short hallway towards a series of beds. All are empty bar one at the end with its curtains drawn. The lady from the desk, Sally I see from the name plate, points towards the cordoned off area and walks away.</p><p>Slowly, terrified at what I will find, I place my hand on the curtain. At an encouraging nod from Alice, I open it and step in.</p><p>Bella looks so tiny curled up in the bed, buried beneath warm blankets. Someone has cleaned her up so she is looking more like herself, but the sharp bones can still be seen through the folds.</p><p>Beside me, I feel Alice stiffen. I'd forgotten this would be the first time she has seen Bella. She's as shocked as I was that first time.</p><p>"Bella?" She asks in a strangled cry.</p><p>The girl on the bed turns slightly. Her eyes lock on mine.</p><p>"I told you to leave."</p><p>"I couldn't leave you Bella, not like that." I explain. "We're going to help you…"</p><p>She cuts me off, "I don't want or need any help from your family. Now if you don't mind…" Her eyes flash towards the gap in the curtain and she sees Alice for the first time. "Alice…" She trailed off.</p><p>There is no reply from Alice. This is the first time I have ever seen her stunned into silence. It's awkward, no one speaking. It's worse for me being able to feel the tension much closer.</p><p>I open my mouth to speak, but the movement seems to snap Bella from her trance. "Please just go," her voice is dead and broken.</p><p>"I'm not going anywhere," Alice finally says. "What happened?"</p><p>Bella snaps her head up to look at me, confusion clear. "It's your story to tell darlin', I ain't told them anything."</p><p>"Thank you." She seems to relax slightly.</p><p>"The doctor said you can go soon?" I ask her.</p><p>"Umm, yes, I think so," she stammers. "He doesn't seem to want to let out though." I can't work out her thoughts on that, her face used to be like an open book, but now it's blank and lifeless. "I don't understand why you'd bring me here."</p><p>"I couldn't leave you on the streets. I couldn't leave you in a place like that. I told you before, and one day you will believe me, you are worth it Bella."</p><p>She shakes her head at me. "No, you've just made everything worse." I can see tears starting to form in her eyes. "What's the point on patching me up, it is only delaying the inevitable." Although her words hold anger, her tone is lifeless. There isn't any fight left in her.</p><p>"Don't say that," Alice cries. "We're going to fix everything. Please, just don't give up."</p><p>"Only your family has the sunshine and rainbows life Alice." Her voice is hard and cold. "In the real-world life sucks. You wake up every day one day closer to death. You dream of a world that doesn't exist, you fight for it every day, until one day you realize that it's just that, a dream. That's all human life is, it's filling in the blanks between birth and death. So, don't tell me what to do. Both of you can float off back to your perfect lives and leave me alone."</p><p>With that she rolls over, turning her back to us, and curls tighter in a ball.</p><p>Those words she said ring around my head like an echo. I had said to myself nearly those exact words too many times. They are the words of someone so lost that even the idea of salvation is long gone.</p><p>I place my hand on Alice's arm and smile at her sadly. She is about to speak but I shake my head slightly silencing her. I can feel the agony rolling off her. It is the same agony she'd felt when I had made the same declaration.</p><p>Pushing the agony towards Bella slightly, I say, "That's Alice." She understands. She knows the torment we are feeling. I know because I hear her sniff slightly. "We don't need to talk, but we will be staying, and you'll be coming back with us."</p><p>Too quietly for Bella to hear, I say to Alice, "Bella doesn't have any clothes." She nods sadly and leaves.</p><p>Slowly, trying not to trigger an argument, I sit on one of the hard-plastic chairs.</p><p>Alice returns a while later holding a shopping bag, I assume contains clothes. She joins me on the chairs, and we sit in silence for two hours. At one point a nurse had delivered a set of papers for Bella to sign. She hadn't. She had remained curled in a ball crying silently.</p><p>"Miss Swan?" A voice called from the other side of the curtain. "Are you decent?"</p><p>Looking towards her, hoping she would reply I sigh; she isn't going to. "Yes, she is." I speak back.</p><p>"Hello again Mr Whitlock." It's the doctor from earlier. "I am here to collect the paperwork. If everything is in order you are free to leave." He looks down at the unsigned sheets and frowns. "You need to sign these Miss Swan."</p><p>Bella painfully moves herself upright. I watch as she takes the pen and with a shaking hand signs them without reading them.</p><p>"That will be all. Good day to you." The man rushes, he is clearly anxious to get away from us.</p><p>"I got you some things," Alice says in a small terrified voice. "Basic clothes, underwear, toiletries."</p><p>She stands to place the bag on the bed. I step outside the curtain, giving her privacy. I hear Alice ask timidly, "Would you like any help?"</p><p>When Bella doesn't reply, Alice sighs and joins me outside the curtain. Her face is a mask of agony. I take her in my arms and hold her tightly. "We can fix this." I promise her.</p><p>
  <strong>Thank you for reading, please comment and let me know what you thought.</strong>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>I do not own Twilight.</strong>
</p><p>Warning: angst, very brief references to prostitution and brief false rape accusations. (Please PM me on FFN if you need to, I'm happy to send edited versions, but it is needed for the plot later on)</p><p>
  <strong>Jasper</strong>
</p><p>"You know I can easily follow you, right?" I call after Bella.</p><p>She hadn't been happy that we wouldn't leave without her and we weren't allowing her to leave alone. Thankfully I had been able to keep the attention away from us, it had made everything much easier. After several tense minutes of raised voices, we convinced her to leave, however, as soon as we had left the building, she had walked off without so much as a fuck off.</p><p>"Can you text me the address?" I ask Alice quietly, not taking my eyes off the retreating girl. "I'll meet you there later."</p><p>Alice nods sadly. "Will you be alright?"</p><p>"It's not me I'm concerned for right now," I reply. No matter how much I long to keep her out of this, it just isn't possible. I worry about how much blame she is taking as I squeeze her hand in goodbye and jog after Bella.</p><p>If she notices that I've joined her on her stroll, she doesn't show it.</p><p>I walk with her nearly a mile before I decide the silence is enough. "Are we aiming for anywhere in particular?" I lace my words with a hint of humour hoping to get a rise. It doesn't work. "Come on, we gonna walk in silence the whole way? Will be mighty boring."</p><p>"Don't feel you have to join me," she snarls back.</p><p>I smile, it's something. "I'm rather enjoying it. Nothing better than a refreshing walk."</p><p>The irritation is building on her face, but she doesn't engage, instead going back to ignoring me. Unfortunately for her, chances are that she will run out of steam a lot sooner than me. It just isn't practical to try and outrun a vampire, as she well knows.</p><p>She must have a plan of some form, somewhere she is headed. I briefly check my phone and make a mental note of the address Alice had sent me.</p><p>Trying again, I say, "If you don't have a destination in mind, I'd appreciate looping back." She ignores me, choosing to turn down an alley.</p><p>I know she is smart enough to know that she can't lose me, not by walking anyway. I need to think of a way to fix this soon. How can I help her? She's stubborn, we all know that, so trying to force her will only result in her pushing back. I also don't want to manipulate her if possible, that will only result in an explosion when I lift the changes.</p><p>It soon becomes apparent where she is headed. At the end of the alley, barely visible to the human eye, is a group of people. They're all clearly homeless.</p><p>I consider dragging her away from the group not wanting to end up in a difficult situation with witnesses, but I'm curious about what she is planning. Instead I keep pace with her as we approach, ignoring the shocked emotions. I very obviously stand out amongst the rags and filth. I don't blame their emotions, I know from experience that when you have to fight for every day, anything unusual become suspicious.</p><p>Bella walks up to a man she seems to recognize. She taps him on the shoulder, saying nothing, and he nods in understanding.</p><p>"Excuse me mate," he says, blocking my path with a smirk. "You ain't welcome here."</p><p>I eyed the man confused, what had Bella communicated with him? Bella had slipped into a group of other women, hiding her from my view.</p><p>"How do you know Bella?" I ask him politely. I can feel the way he, and the others around, care for her, no need to hurt people who may well be her friends.</p><p>"How do you know she's Bella?" He snaps, raising a finger towards me in what he thinks is a threatening manner, others are starting to crowd around me too.</p><p>That confused me. I hadn't been aware that I should have been calling her something different. If it was for her safety, surely, she would have told me?</p><p>I send out a small wave of trust, "She's always been Bella, should I be referring to her as something else?"</p><p>"No, it's just, what you mean by always?" His voice stammers slightly. I didn't understand why this would catch him off guard.</p><p>"I knew her some years ago. I mean no harm." What is it with humans and being difficult? Is he incapable of answering my question also? "Some of my family were in the area on vacation and I bumped into her."</p><p>"This true?" The man turns to ask Bella. She is pushed roughly from the small huddle. "You repay our shelter with lies?" She had lied to him? I really needed to get her away from this group soon, I don't like the way the emotions are turning.</p><p>When Bella doesn't respond, he speaks once again to me, "Sorry for being cold, you know what it's like." He eyed me up and down, "Or maybe ya don't. Anyway, we don't tolerate lying in this community, as B well knows. So please feel free to take her." He starts to mumble under his breath, "Good riddance, knew there's something off bout that one."</p><p>"No," Bella cries, trying to join back in with the huddle of women, "You don't understand."</p><p>"I know that I ain't having a whore falsely accusing men of rape here," his voice is a dangerous tone. I wish I was amazed that she would accuse me of such, but she was desperate to be rid of me and I it must have appeared to be the only option. I brush it off, having been called much worse in my past.</p><p>It's as the man's hand goes towards his belt that I realize there is a reason he is responsible for this group. He has a gun.</p><p>"I won't ask you again missy." His hand grasps a small handle and Bella pales further.</p><p>It is hard to restrain myself from hurting this man for the threats and derogatory words. I just need to get her away from here, fast.</p><p>"Let's go Bella," I say quietly to her as I wrap my cold fingers around her wrist.</p><p>She doesn't fight me as I lead her away. She doesn't do anything but walk limply a pace behind me. The streets are a dangerous place, everyone knows that, had this group been her only safe place? Not that it mattered, she wouldn't be going back, but the feeling of losing that security net must be terrifying.</p><p>The walk to the address Alice had sent is long and silent. I could have called for a cab; it just didn't seem appropriate. Bella needed time to grieve. She needed space to process everything that has happened and come to terms with it in her own way.</p><p>I kept my pace steady, slowing down when I saw her steps start to falter with tiredness.</p><p>When we reached the apartment block, I pressed the call bell and asked Alice to unlock the door. Bella didn't react to anything; she kept her eyes trained on her feet with, her face dead. She is like a doll, simply following because she must. There is no response as we enter the elevator or as we walk into the apartment.</p><p>I release her wrist. She doesn't move.</p><p>Alice looks between us unsure. "There's three rooms. I've put some stuff in that one for you," she says, pointing towards a white door. Bella doesn't move. "I-Um-Well, help yourself."</p><p>I send Alice a warm smile of reassurance.</p><p>"We'll be just through there," I say, gesturing to another door. I place a finger underneath Bella's chin and lift her gaze to meet mine. "Feel free to knock if you need anything." I hold her gaze until she reluctantly nods.</p><p>Knowing not to push anymore right now, I retreat with Alice into the small room.</p><p>The whole apartment is nice, though simpler than we usually get. It's entirely furnished and has a comfortable feel about it.</p><p>"Were there problems getting here? You were a while," Alice asks me after she closes the door. Now that Bella is here, I feel comfortable enough to give Bella some space. Besides, we are all fast enough to stop her from doing anything rash.</p><p>"Some," I say offering no further explanation. "Where's Emmett and Rosalie? Has she cooled off at all?"</p><p>"They were here when I arrived, but Rose shot off pretty quick. She's really mad. Emmett followed her but said he'd try to be back later. I can't see what'll happen because no one has made any decisions yet." She sounded frustrating.</p><p>"You aren't responsible for predicting everything." I say placing a hand on her shoulder in reassurance. She is rubbing her head slightly, something she only does when she is putting pressure on herself. "And you are not responsible for this mess."</p><p>"No, this is Edward's fault," Alice says darkly.</p><p>Outside, I hear Bella shuffle across the room. It's the stunted movements of a terrified creature. I can still only feel the numb void from her, but movement is a good sign, I hope.</p><p>"We'll need to go to the store at some point," Alice tells me, "There isn't any food here. It's always been Esme who sorts that part of the human façade, I wondered if Bella would want anything specific."</p><p>I smile at her sadly, it's hard enough for a vampire to navigate human food but having no memories of her human years must make it even harder. "I don't think so this time. Maybe Emmett can pick some stuff up on the way back, I think we should stay for a while."</p><p>She nods, pulling out her phone.</p><p>Bella has finally made it into the assigned bedroom. As soon as she closes the door, I hear her sink to the floor and start crying. She's trying to keep it quiet even though she must know we can hear.</p><p>"Should we?" Alice asks moving towards the door.</p><p>"Not this time. She just needs space to process, give her time." I give her a sad smile. "Speak to Emmett."</p><p>Alice hesitates, clearly torn between wanting to comfort her once friend and listening to me. Pursing her lips, she returns to the phone.</p><p>In the back of my mind I hear her softly talking to Emmett. I tune them out. Bella just continues to sob. It's the utterly broken sobs of someone who has lost everything. They're the sort of sobs I'd felt in the early days but been unable to produce. I know the biological process of crying, the collection of hormones into a precious ball of liquid for the body to expel. It's hard to remember such feelings after so long, but we have all wished at some point we can cry.</p><p>I sit on the bed next to Alice and wrap my arms around her. She's finished the call and we simply sit embracing each other.</p><p>"He'll pick stuff up, but he could be a while. Rose is fuming. Apparently, she overheard some stuff at the hospital. Obviously, she's the only one who'd understand any of it, but she's not reacted well." I know exactly what she must have overheard and why she would react this way. It's a well-known fact that children are a touchy subject around Rosalie. She'd give up everything, including Emmett, to be human again. "I won't ask, but is it safe for her to be here? Is Bella safe around her? Should we send them back to the family."</p><p>It isn't a good idea for her to be here? I like to think that if she knew the entire situation her response would be different, but I know it wouldn't be. She is set in her mindset and nothing will change that.</p><p>That being said, Emmett and Rosalie are a package deal, would we need him here for Bella? Rosalie wouldn't hurt Bella, would she? I'm fairly confident that we can protect her from physical harm, but Rose has a sharp tongue. Bella's mental state isn't able to manage an onslaught like that.</p><p>Alice sensed my turmoil and must have guessed the reason. "They're going to stay at the hotel for tonight, we've still got it for a few days." I nod, this is a reasonable compromise, it isn't as though money is an issue.</p><p>We lapse into silence, embracing each other as we listen.</p><p>It's well over an hour before the crying starts to settle. First the sobs stop and then her breathing evens out. She's fallen asleep.</p><p>I release Alice and move out into the communal area. Stopping in front of Bella's door I hope that it has been well oiled. Thankfully, it glides open silently.</p><p>Bella is curled in a tight ball, back against the wall. Even in sleep she doesn't get a reprieve. Her face remains tearstained and is scrunched up in tension. It's amazing she's alive given everything she's been through.</p><p>I know I could ease it, I could so easily send her waves of serenity and peace, but it won't help. It would just put a temporary bandage over the problem and make it so much worse when she finally feels. No, we can learn to manage seeing her broken. The sadness we feel when looking at her is nothing compared to the pain, she's in.</p><p>Every so gently, I pace my arm around her back and beneath her legs. She stirs slightly, but a small coo sends her back to sleep, she's too exhausted to wake up properly. Alice has turned the sheets down, allowing me to easily place her on the bed. Stepping back, I watch as Alice unties her shoes and slips them off.</p><p>"Should I get her changed? She'd be more comfortable."</p><p>"No, let's just let her sleep." I pull the comforter over her body and tuck it gently in around her neck. She lets out a deep breath and buries herself deeper beneath the sheets.</p><p>
  <strong>Please review</strong>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>I do not own Twilight.</strong>
</p><p>Warning: none</p><p>
  <strong>Jasper</strong>
</p><p>I open the door slightly and stare at the broken girl. She hasn't moved since I last came in. She's still curled in a ball on the far side of the bed, her back to the door. I look over at the dresser where I had left a small plate of food earlier.</p><p>"You've not touched it." I fight to keep the frustration out of my voice. I'm not surprised that she hasn't touched it, she never touches it.</p><p>I walk over to the bed and sit on the edge softly. There is no reaction.</p><p>"It's been a week, Bella. You need to eat something."</p><p>She doesn't reply.</p><p>Since crying that first night here, she's been nothing more than a shell. Every so often she will get up and use the bathroom, but her movements are lifeless and performed out of necessity rather than choice. There has been no other interaction with the world. She curls herself into a protective ball and shuts herself off from the world.</p><p>I pick up the plate, feeling beneath it. "It's still warm, Bella. Do you want it?" She doesn't reply, not that I had expected her to. "Alright, I'll be back in a moment."</p><p>Taking the plate with me, I leave the room. Emmett's face falls when he see's the full plate, even though he knows she hasn't eaten anything, we would have heard it.</p><p>Emmett has been visiting twice a day for an hour each time. He sits in her room and does anything he can to bring her back to life. He reads, he jokes, he tells her stories of the family; she responds to nothing.</p><p>I walk past him and into the kitchen to dispose of the uneaten meal. So much food has been wasted, but I can't bring myself to care. We'd tried giving her so many different things, she's not interested.</p><p>Thankfully, if we leave a glass of water next to the bathroom sink, she drinks it. Filling a small glass and collecting a few nibble foods, I return to her room and close the door behind me.</p><p>"I know you can hear me, so I want you to listen." I say placing the cup and plate on the side table. "This can't continue, Bella, it isn't healthy. You have a choice, either eat those or we are going back to the hospital."</p><p>Hospitalising her is something we've discussed a few times. We'd agreed that we would help her ourselves unless it is absolutely unavoidable. The last thing she needed is to think that we had given up on her too.</p><p>Phoning Carlisle for advice had been suggested, but we all knew that he wouldn't be able to keep this from Edward, and him showing up now would not help. It would have to be Bella's decision when she wants to inform him, if ever.</p><p>So, I stand and wait for her choice.</p><p>"I'm not leaving until you tell me which you want to do," I tell her gently, yet firmly. She has to know that I'm not bluffing. I'm thankful that Alice is out hunting, she wouldn't agree with me forcing Bella in this way.</p><p>Over the next ten minutes, I keep my eyes trained on her. There are many small movements which I recognise as attempts to interact. I continue to wait.</p><p>I try to follow her emotions, but she has suppressed them so much that there is barely anything to feel, only numbness. It's almost painful to feel such an all-consuming negative emotion.</p><p>Every so slowly, she unfolds herself. I keep my eyes trained away from her so she doesn't feel the added pressure, but I can see her out of the corner of my eye. Her movements are laboured and stiff from having been in the same position for so long.</p><p>She doesn't look at me, instead a shaky hand reaches out to grab the packet I had left out. I'd given her some crackers and an apple knowing that they were easy and bland enough to not make her sick. Being cooped up in an apartment for a week left a lot of time for research. Specifically, research into human recovery.</p><p>My heart sores as she takes a mouthful, chews a few times and then swallows with great difficulty. The crackers must be dry because she coughs and rushes to grab the cup of water. In her haste, she fumbles and knocks it off.</p><p>In a second, I'm across the room catching it, water still inside. "Here," I say passing it to her still coughing. I keep hold of the glass as she drinks, having realised that her hands aren't stead enough to support it herself.</p><p>She nods to me and I place it back on the side and sit down on the bed next to her. I don't say anything as she continues to nibble on the crackers, even taking a few bites from the apple.</p><p>Having clearly eaten as much as she can stomach for now, she turns around and returns to her protective ball. "Thank you."</p><p>I place my hand briefly on her shoulder, hoping she realises what an achievement she has made.</p><p>"It's only early afternoon, if you want to join us watching tele, you are welcome to. If not, I'll be back in at dinner." I smile when I receive a small nod. "Do you want the door open or closed?" I'm trying to avoid questions which she can answer nonverbally.</p><p>Her voice is very small and scratchy, "Closed."</p><p>"Alright, see you soon."</p><p>Walking towards the door, I send another glance at her taking in her gaunt frame. We are going to get her better, no matter what it takes.</p><p>The next few days pass in the same way. Every meal I take in a plateful of food, which we are slowly increasing the portion size, and sit with her while she chokes it down. She's becoming more cooperative and it takes less time to convince her each day, but she is still acting like a robot.</p><p>Today I have decided she is going to get out of that room.</p><p>I knock on her door and put my head around the door. "Good morning Bella." She's sitting on the bed, legs crossed with her head down, staring at the comforter. She doesn't reply. "Breakfast is in here."</p><p>She looks up at me, shocked at the change of routine. I smile at the slight flush in her cheeks and confusion I feel from her.</p><p>"You can bring it in here if you want, but you can come get it."</p><p>I walk out and return to the couch where I wrap my arm around Alice. The simple sandwich has been left on the table a short distance from her door, it's behind us so she can move without being seen.</p><p>A morning news show is playing, but neither of us are paying attention. Our focus is on listening for movement next door. There is nothing.</p><p>I wait patiently for half an hour. She doesn't appear. I make my way back into her room.</p><p>"Bella, you need to come and get the food please." She stares past me. As usual her emotions are a lifeless void. "Bella," I chide. There is still no response.</p><p>I have a choice; do I approach this forcefully or gently. One could potentially damage the relationship further, while the other may make me out to be a push over. I wouldn't be a push over, but I can try to reason with her.</p><p>Closing the door behind me, sit on the bed and lay back next to her.</p><p>As expected, she doesn't react at first, but after a few minutes her curiosity takes over. Subtly, obviously trying to hide her interest, she glances over at me.</p><p>With a smile, I wave at her. She jumps back to her original position with a scowl. I smirk.</p><p>I think about what Emmett does when he sits with her. Emmett has never been one to enjoy silence, he finds it awkward and always tries to fill it with some form of laughter. So, he is always doing something when in here.</p><p>Alice is the same, she can talk for America that girl. Never a silent moment. Throughout the years I have learnt more about fashion than any man should be subjected to, but I love her, so it doesn't matter.</p><p>But no one has been in here and sat, other than when I bring food. It isn't something that had occurred to do, we'd never had much of a relationship before and any reasonable person would be terrified after I tried to take a snap at her.</p><p>"I wanted to apologise," I say breaking the silence. "What happened at your birthday party, well, it shouldn't have happened."</p><p>She snaps her head to look at me uncomprehending. "Wh-what do you mean?" she stammers. Success, I had managed to get her talking!</p><p>"I mean I apologise for my behaviour at your birthday party those years ago. I shan't make excuses for my actions as there are none which could justify such an atrocity."</p><p>"It was never your fault." She looks back at the bed.</p><p>"Regardless, I regret that I may have been the cause of your now precarious situation."</p><p>She jumps from the bed, fuming.</p><p>"I knew it," her voice is still hoarse from lack of use, but she is throwing her words out with as much anger as she can. "You're doing this out of pity. Well, I don't want it. Thanks to you I've lost the tiny amount I had left. So just butt out of my life!"</p><p>She moves towards the door, but I stand in front of it before she gets there.</p><p>This wasn't how I was hoping this would go, her body doesn't need to cope with anymore stress. Maybe it's needed though, there is obviously much pent up emotion, even if she has hidden it.</p><p>"I won't leave. No matter how much you scream or curse or lie, I won't leave. This is something you can come back from Bella. You're strong and incredible, you just have to realise it for yourself."</p><p>"No! I don't need to come back from anything! I need you to let me out of here!" Her fists go to her hair and she starts to pull at it. Unfortunately, her body is so malnourished that clumps start to come out.</p><p>"Get out of the way!"</p><p>"No."</p><p>"Move!"</p><p>"I won't move."</p><p>"You bastard, get out of the fucking way!"</p><p>"I've already told you I won't."</p><p>She continues to scream at me, her insults becoming gradually more colourful and derogatory.</p><p>Eventually, she cries out, "Why won't you just leave me alone?!"</p><p>"Because you matter Bella. You may not see it right now, but you do. Somehow, someday, you will realise that, and I won't be leaving until you do." My voice is calm which only angers her further.</p><p>"You never cared before. You always kept your distance. Go back to doing that! Go back to not giving a damn. Go back to being absent from my life!"</p><p>I ignore her comments. They are made in anger and desperation. Outside I can hear Alice becoming agitated and I hope she doesn't try to intervene; she doesn't need this crap thrown at her again.</p><p>"Why do you even care?! What do you get out of this? A clear conscience? Brownie points from the family? I don't care! Now get out of my way!"</p><p>"I care because I know how crap you are feeling right now. You're lost and scared. The past is horrific, and you can't bare to go back, yet the idea of a better future is terrifying. You don't want to trust anyone because whenever you've done that in the past you've not only been let down but ripped apart. You want to disappear and the pain to stop beyond anything else. You want to hate the world, but you can't because you blame yourself. You want it to be over. I know Bella, and I don't even need to feel it."</p><p>She stares at me dumbfounded.</p><p>I walk over to her and gently pry her fingers from her hair. "I know Bella."</p><p>A tear falls down her cheek. I can see the battle inside of her. Part of her is so desperate to reinforce her mental walls, to keep herself safe in a way she knows. But the other part longs to let go, to not be alone in the terrifying world that is her head.</p><p>Just as I think she is going to let me in, she spins away from me with a scream. "Nooooooo! Leave me ALONE!"</p><p>She grabs the light off of the side table and makes to throw it. I catch it easily. The same happens with the picture frame, the bag of clothes, the phone, the pillow. Anything within reach is thrown at me.</p><p>I don't try to stop her. There's no point trying. So long as she doesn't get hurt, she may as well let her anger out somehow. We can pay for any damages.</p><p>"Stop trying to help!" She's still screaming nonsense.</p><p>I hear Alice move. Too quiet and fast for Bella to hear, I say, "It's fine, don't come in." She moves away from the door and back to the couch.</p><p>Some time later, someone knocks on the front door to complain about the noise. Bella doesn't hear it; she is too caught up in her rage.</p><p>Finally, she starts to calm. There is less energy in her attacks and she's starting to sag. I slowly walk closer to her and take her hand.</p><p>She's too exhausted to continue fighting.</p><p>I lead her into the bathroom where I close the toilet lid and sit her down. Wetting a washcloth, I pass it to her so she can wipe her face.</p><p>"I'm sorry," she babbles. "I didn't mean it. I'm sorry. I've made such a mess. I'm sorry."</p><p>"I know, it wasn't your fault." She continues her rambling without notice of my words.</p><p>Her face is a swollen hot mess with bloodshot eyes, but the cool water seems to be helping. Even now she's calmer, tears continue to trickle down her face.</p><p>"It's going to be alright Bella."</p><p>I can hear Alice tidying up the bedroom somewhat. It won't look the same as it did before, but hopefully it will be tidy enough to not upset her further.</p><p>"How do you know?" Her voice is barely a whisper. "Everything you said, it's what I could never put into words. How did you know?"</p><p>"I promise I'll tell you, but not right now." She looks like she wants to argue with me but doesn't have the strength.</p><p>I pass her a cup of water which she gulps down. I refill it twice more before she starts to sip it slower.</p><p>"Do you think you can eat a bit? Something easy. A yoghurt maybe?"</p><p>She ponders this for a moment. Just when I think she is going to refuse, she nods.</p><p>Together, we walk through the bedroom and into the kitchen. I smile at Alice who has hidden herself in the shadows.</p><p>"Help yourself to anything," I tell her gesturing towards the fridge and turning to get her a spoon. I'm trying not to watch in hope that it will help her confidence.</p><p>When I turn around, she has a cherry yoghurt in her hand and she's looking lost.</p><p>I pass her the spoon and move to sit at the small table. "Come join me."</p><p>She's slow eating, and by the end she is nearly falling asleep in it. I help her back to her room where the bed has been freshly made. She's asleep as soon as she lays down. Gently, I tuck the blanket in around her and I feel Alice come up behind me.</p><p>"I'm so sorry," I say. Only now am I starting to realise what I must have put her through in those early days. Of course, I knew, but to experience it is something else. "Thank you for not giving up on me."</p><p>Alice wraps her arm around my waste and guides me out of the room. "You don't give up on family."</p><p>She's right, you never give up on family, and whether she accepts it now or not, Bella is a part of our family.</p><p>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>I do not own Twilight.</strong>
</p><p>Please see bio for information regarding updates through November.</p><p>Warning: none</p><p>
  <strong>Jasper</strong>
</p><p>"What do you mean she had a <em>bit </em>of a breakdown?" Emmett accuses arriving a short time later.</p><p>"She's fine, just had to let out some anger."</p><p>Alice scoffs, "It was a bit more than that, but she is fine." I glare at her. I hadn't wanted to give Emmett the full story, last thing Bella needs is to feel embarrassed and worried that we are talking about her.</p><p>Emmett eyes me up, "Just tell me anything I need to know, kay?" I nod, assuring them both that I won't keep anything unnecessary. "I'd better get back to Rosie if Bella ain't awake. She's being more reasonable and starting to understand, but it's hard. She's happy for us to stay a while which I wasn't expecting. I'll be back later on, can you let me know when?"</p><p>"Sure, say hi to her from us," I say, and Alice nods her agreement.</p><p>Emmett reluctantly leaves.</p><p>"Did you mean it earlier?" Alice asks me when he's out of hearing range. I send her a small amount of confusion. "When you said you'd tell Bella about your past. It's not something you usually volunteer."</p><p>"Yes, if she wants to know I'll tell her. It's not exactly a secret and to be honest I'm amazed she was around us so much and never found out."</p><p>She opens her mouth as though to say something and then closes it thinking hard. "You've never said it quite like that before either. I mean I knew, but to hear you say it, I just, it's not still like that is it?"</p><p>I know what she's talking about, she's referring to the description of feelings. When I was in that position I was never able to verbalise it, preferring to show it through my gift. Since having left that dark place I hadn't felt the need to tell her so explicitly.</p><p>Alice is nervous, I can feel it. From her face I know that she is worrying she's missed something so important.</p><p>I slide closer to her wrap my arms around her, pulling her close. "When have you ever not noticed? When have I ever managed to keep something like that from you? Besides, why would I want to? I've got an incredibly family, the most beautiful mate. I promise you'll be the first to know."</p><p>"I know, I just worry. What if I miss something and I lose you? Just brings up a lot of memories I'd rather leave hidden."</p><p>"You don't need to stay here. You can bunk with Em and Rose if you want, no one will think bad of you."</p><p>"I'm not leaving," she replies quickly. "I just want to do something. I feel helpless."</p><p>"We all do. All we can do right now is support. It's up to Bella when things change."</p><p>We lapse into silence listening to the steady breaths and heartbeat from next door. A while later they both start to speed up. She's waking up.</p><p>She takes her time, apparently disorientated and taking time to remember what happened. My face breaks out in a massive smile when I feel a glimmer of embarrassment from her. It's only tiny, but it's there.</p><p>Alice looks at me questioningly. I whisper too low for Bella to hear, "She's getting better. It's working, slowly." She beams at me.</p><p>Bella staggers out of bed and takes care of her needs in the bathroom. Finishing, she moves towards the door and stops. The embarrassment grows slightly. After a minute of silent debating we hear her set her jaw and inches the door open.</p><p>The face that looks through is still wrinkled from sleep and incredibly unsure. She stares at us unspeaking. We aren't looking directly at her, but she must know that we know she is there.</p><p>With a tiny wave of shame, she backs away from the door and starts to close it.</p><p>"You can join us, Bella," I say softly causing her to freeze. "Why don't you get a drink, help yourself to anything."</p><p>She looks at me calculating. She still doesn't trust us. Finding no malice from me, she opens the door wide and hesitantly steps through towards the kitchen, never taking her eyes off of us.</p><p>Alice has her phone out texting Emmett. She shows me the message.</p><p>
  <em>Will pop around tonight, Em.</em>
</p><p>I nod to her. Surprisingly she doesn't put the phone away, instead she opens one of the games she had been enjoying recently. I've never understood it, but it makes her happy.</p><p>Bella, carrying a mug of what I smell is coffee, moves to hover towards the edge of the room eyeing up the armchair just past us.</p><p>I occupy myself watching Alice's game, hoping not feeling watched will give her the confidence to act on her own accord. It works. So slowly, she takes one step, then another, moving all the way past us to sit awkwardly on the edge of the armchair.</p><p>"Do you want a go?" Alice asks her, holding the phone out slightly.</p><p>Bella ferociously shakes her head and shrinks away from her. "Shame, it's good fun. You've got to solve all of these puzzles. Basically, there is a sweet on some strings and a little green frog type thing and you have to cut them in the right order to feed him."</p><p>She continues to ramble on about the game. I mouth "sorry" towards Bella who half smiles and goes back to listening.</p><p>"No one will play it with me anymore because apparently I cheat," she sends me a quick dirty look, "but I don't, that wouldn't be fun. I'm just really good at it."</p><p>"One of these days we'll find a game you can't cheat at and I'm sure they'll play with you. Can always play chess with me."</p><p>"Yeah right," she scoffs, "I've been beaten enough at chess. You could let me win some time."</p><p>Bella is slowly relaxing into the chair and sipping at her drink as she listens to us joke around.</p><p>We discuss everything and nothing when I feel a very small amount of determination from Bella and Alice goes blank for the briefest second.</p><p>"Damn," Bella whispers clearly having forgotten the empath and seer in the room. She scowls when I laugh lightly.</p><p>"Want to share?" I tease. She shakes her head slightly looking like a deer caught in the headlights. Alice goes to open her mouth, but I send her a look. "If you change your mind let us know."</p><p>We return to our discussion about our adventures over the years. As we are telling her about our time in Atlanta, the panic starts to rise slightly, and I can see she's ready to bolt.</p><p>I send her the smallest wave calm, not enough to manipulate her, but enough to reassure.</p><p>The conversation continues as she battles with herself.</p><p>Finally, she speaks. "Will you explain?"</p><p>I smile to her, proud that she'd built enough courage to ask. The breakdown really had made a huge amount of difference.</p><p>"Of course, I will." She doesn't need to say what she wants explaining, it's obvious. "What do you already know?"</p><p>Bella thinks for a moment. When she speaks, her voice is still uncertain. "Not much. It was a long time ago."</p><p>Yes, of course she would have forgotten after so many years.</p><p>"Well, Alice and I didn't have quite the same past as the rest of the family. Neither of have Carlisle as a sire or the same upbringing. I can't say I'm especially proud of mine.</p><p>"I was born to a large but poor family in Huston, Texas. I joined the confederate army at 17, though my paperwork read 20. In the two years I fought, I rose to the rank of Major, the youngest in Texas regardless that my age was false. It's something I grew to regret. I was young and blinded by the ideologies of my community and desperate to preserve out way of life. I thought myself brave for fighting and didn't consider the consequences of my actions. I never saw my family again after I signed up.</p><p>"What you need to understand Bella is that we are very atypical for vampires. Most are blood thirsty and ruthless. While the north is mostly civilized, the south has been a constant war for centuries. They fight for territory, for food. There was a tactic developed a long time ago which made these wars all the more barbaric. We are the strongest in your first year to this life, therefore using newborns to fight gives you an advantage.</p><p>"It's not easy, newborns can be volatile, wild, uncontrollable, and just as likely to turn on each other as attack the enemy. They became… replaceable. As they are killed, the creator has to turn more. That's how Maria's minions found me. She'd hoped my experience and training would be useful in creating an efficient army.</p><p>"I was one of the few to survive past the first year, my abilities to control the army were useful to her so I rose to her second in command. I was desperate to prove myself to her and I managed to train an army considerably bigger than the others. Our success made Maria greedy, so more battles raged.</p><p>"The fighting was intense and unending. Over the next years, I became sick of what my life had become. It changed when I met Peter. He was one of the newborns I turned a few decades after being turned. He was, I suppose you could say civilized. He never enjoyed the fight even though he was good at it. We became friends. However, he became infatuated with a young woman called Charlotte. When her year of use ran out, she was due to be killed with the rest of them. Peter escaped with her. I can't say I was surprised; his emotions had given him away, but I didn't have it in me to destroy someone who had once been my friend.</p><p>"Life got bad again. I was alone and missing the companionship I had before. Maria changed after this. She grew to fear and mistrust me, I knew she was plotting a way to destroy me. So, I started planning also. The years at war had turned me into a savage and though I believed her to be my mate, I was prepared to kill her. I didn't need to though as Peter returned.</p><p>"He'd been gone five years and he told me tales of his time. The way they live without fighting and co-existing with others of our kind. I walked away without a backwards glance.</p><p>"Though I travelled with them for many years, a black cloud hung over me. I had no humanity remaining and I was a monster pure and simple.</p><p>"Whenever I killed, I'd see that glint in their eye. The same glint of fear I had also had in my last moments as a human. The more I felt them, the stronger my human memories became. Every human I killed, I felt them, I felt their horror and their fear and knew I was the one causing it.</p><p>"Peter and Char never had the same problem feeding off of humans, they simply wanted the freedom from fighting. I became distant from them not long after.</p><p>"I was a mess. I couldn't bare killing, yet what other choice did I have? I went long durations between killings, but the thirst always overtook me. The longer I spent alone, the more I sunk into my hole of depression.</p><p>"For years I roamed alone. I shouldn't have, it was dangerous. I was trying to blend in with humans, but for every time I was successful, I sunk even deeper. Eternity in despair, that's what I was preparing myself for.</p><p>"One day I stumbled into this one," I gestured to Alice. "She was waiting of me, obviously. I started to feel hope. Alice's emotions were new to me, I enjoyed feeling them, I enjoyed being around her. We became closer but I struggled to trust. Whenever I started to open up or think that things might change, I was proved wrong. I'd slip and take a human's life. I'd remember the mistakes I made and how I didn't deserve redemption.</p><p>"Slowly things started to improve, but it took a long time. When we found Carlisle, I took another slump. Initially it was hard, I hated the constant reminder of my past whenever they looked at me with fear. Human eyes can barely see them, but my past left scars, many scars, and other vampires perceive them as the warning they are.</p><p>"I slipped back into that dark place with no hope of escape. Except this time, I knew what I was missing out on.</p><p>"After a while I settled into life with them, but I didn't quite fit in. I'd finch at Emmett's roughhousing. I'll never forget the first time we spared; I nearly took his head off. I couldn't be around humans as easily as them and I slipped the most. No matter how much they tried to hide it, there was always a spark of annoyance and blame whenever we had to move.</p><p>"I was torn. I could feel the emotions of the family, I knew they loved me, and I knew Alice loved being with them, but it was a new sort of hell. I considered leaving. I considered running away and leaving the good people to themselves, but I couldn't leave Alice. Not after everything she had done for me.</p><p>"I still don't know why you put up with me for all those years, especially considering the vague visions." I laugh looking over at her. She smiled back. "I found a way to make it through those dark times, and you'll do the same, somehow."</p><p>I'd gotten lost in the talk of my past and felt myself rather suddenly jarred back.</p><p>Alice has her usual air of emotions, light and joyous, but with undertones of pride and sorrow. Bella, surprisingly, is fairly open. Her emotions are still muted, but I could definitely sense her shock and admiration. I take note of the way she's subconsciously curled protectively in the chair, her gaze firmly on the now empty mug.</p><p>We sit in silence for some time, giving Bella time to process the new information. It's interesting to follow her emotions as she tries to make sense of it. I'm pleased that not once do I feel fear.</p><p>Suddenly, Bella's emotions dampen until they disappear into the void of nothingness. She stands up and practically runs from the room, slamming the door behind her.</p><p>She goes silent.</p><p>"What happened?" Alice asks me quietly, the shock and confusion clear in her tone.</p><p>"I don't know, she was doing really well and then went blank." I'm scared, we were making so much progress, did I set her back?</p><p>"I don't think it was you," Alice says as though she read my mind.</p><p>Do I agree? No, I don't, but then I'm often holding myself responsible. "Let's give her some time. If she hasn't come out by dinner, Emmett can always take it in. She might need some space from us."</p><p>
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<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>I do not own Twilight.</strong>
</p><p>Please see bio for information regarding updates through November.</p><p>Warning: none</p><p>
  <strong>Bella</strong>
</p><p>I can't stay here any longer.</p><p>I can't be around them another second. The pity on their faces. The sympathetic words. It is all making me feel nauseous.</p><p>Jasper claimed to understand, but did he? I think back through the last few hours, the words he'd said. Although he had seemed genuine, I couldn't help doubting him. He could have so easily been lying.</p><p>Really, how could someone as put together as a Cullen have come from such a horrific background?</p><p>When you live as a rat, you always hear the dreams. The fantasy stories of the lucky beings who get redemption and transform their lives. The slave who becomes the prince. That isn't real though. In reality, once you are in the gutter, you stay there.</p><p>But his words had felt so genuine. Not just his story but the way he had so accurately depicted my life.</p><p><em>He probably learnt it from a textbook</em>, a little voice in the back of my head says.</p><p>It's right. No matter how much I want to believe that he is here for me, here to help, he just can't be. None of them are. I shouldn't be even entertaining the thought. They are staying purely out of guilt.</p><p>It was a solid explanation, one which I allowed to fill me and overtake any of my longing. I couldn't allow myself to hope that something good can come out of this. I learnt a long time ago that life doesn't work that way.</p><p>I've been dealt my cards, and they utterly suck.</p><p>Why hadn't Edward just drained me that first day of school? Why did he have to use me to prove himself? Was his ego in need of such a boost that he had to be the elite of his family for avoiding his singer where everyone else had failed?</p><p>Self-obsessed prat.</p><p>Now that I think of it, all vampires are self-obsessed. I think back over some of our past interactions in new light. The endless shopping trips. The dinners. Everything we did together that made them feel human. Everything just for their benefit only to throw me to the wayside when they'd gotten bored.</p><p>Well, I had been rid of them. I can't believe their back. At 18 I longed to see them again. At 19 I would have found a way to accept them. Now though, you've lost their chance. They can't come sweeping in, fix up the broken human and use me to again make themselves feel better.</p><p>I'm not having it.</p><p>There must be a way to salvage this situation, something I can do.</p><p>Running won't work, that's fairly obvious. Between their speed and scent, I'd be lucky to make it out of the apartment. No, that's out of the question unless by some sheer miracle they decide to leave me alone.</p><p>Maybe I could go out somewhere with them and give them the slip, it worked well enough when we were running from James. There is a chance it could work again.</p><p>Then I realise there isn't much point. Where would I run? I've no where to go. I can't stay on the streets around here, not after that stunt I pulled. I don't even know why I did that; I was desperate. I needed to get away from him. I hadn't even realised what I did until it was too late.</p><p>No, it's not safe on the streets for me, not anymore. Something else that pompous dick has taken from me. Life is hard enough without them taking the little I had left.</p><p>If I can get out of the area fast enough, maybe they won't be able to find me. I could always start again somewhere. I've done it before.</p><p>Where would I go though? I'd need to get far enough for them not to find me, and to do that I'd need transport.</p><p>Would they even look for me? Maybe they'd realise that I am such a lost cause they'll just go back home brushing me off as a failed attempt. Would make a great party story later in life. "Remember that broken girl, Bella wasn't it, ye, wonder if she's dead yet."</p><p>This planning is becoming too much. I need to focus on the immediate problem first. I need to get away from them.</p><p>It's been made fairly clear they aren't leaving until I am "better". I hate that word, absolutely hate it. Nothing wrong with me, just hardened by life. Besides, even if there was something fixable, it would be none of their god damn business.</p><p>They're looking for the old Bella. The meek, pushover, innocent Bella who swoons whenever they grace her with even a glance. They want that back.</p><p>When they get it will they go? Will they finally have eased their guilt enough to leave me the hell alone?</p><p>It's decided. I need to fake it. I need to somehow show them that they aren't needed here. It'll be easy, right? Especially given they don't really give a damn. Once they have backed off enough, I can slip away and work out what to do next.</p><p>I hear a knock on the door. It must be Emmett back again to bore me with more stories and tall tales. Everyone says Edward was turned too early, but I'm convinced that bear did something to Emmett's brain which even Venom couldn't fix.</p><p>"Hey Emmett," Alice speaks. Thankfully she's talking humans, it has really been getting on my nerves the nearly inaudible hiss. Don't they know it's rude? "She's through there."</p><p>I look around me, taking note of the room. I've curled myself up on the bed in the protective way I have taken such a liking to. Any minute now, my peace and privacy is going to be interrupted by that man child.</p><p>Why can't they just leave me alone?! Isn't my life sucky enough without having to deal with supernatural insecurities.</p><p>As expected, there is a quiet knock on my door, and it opens to reveal Emmett's face. I throw him a dirty look, making him instantly aware of my displeasure, but it doesn't have the desired effect. Instead of making him leave, it makes his face break out in the biggest grin.</p><p>"Hey Bella!" he beams at me.</p><p>I don't reply, instead choosing to scowl at him and turn my back. I didn't need to deal with him.</p><p>Unfortunately, it didn't get rid of him though his shoulder did slump slightly.</p><p>He sits on the edge of the bed, unable to sit on his usual chair due to the fact I'd smashed it. I don't like him so close and I wish he would just leave me alone.</p><p>When you're on the streets, everything is up for grabs. Even those you trust will take what they can out of desperation. It isn't safe to have people near you and after so long, it has become part of who I am.</p><p>"Alice dragged Jasper out to hunt, so it's just us here," he tells me. Only now do I realise that Jasper hasn't left me. He had spent so much time with me forgoing his own needs. Those aren't the actions of someone acting purely out of guilt, maybe he does –. I cut myself off. None of them care, don't food yourself into thinking otherwise.</p><p>"Anyway, I wanted you to know. So, if you want to talk about anything there's no listening ears around. Well, except mine." He laughs at his own joke.</p><p>If he thinks that I'm just going to open up to him, he is much mistaken. It soon becomes clear by the long and, on his part, incredibly challenging silence that he thought I would.</p><p>He manages to last a whole three minutes before he cannot sit still and silent any longer. As I said, man child. He starts rambling on about something or other. I don't listen, instead allowing my mind to fade into the black space I have been escaping into.</p><p>It's nice here. There aren't any worries, I don't have to think about it. It's just blissful oblivion. Time, feelings, thoughts, pain, they all fade into nothingness. However unhealthy some may see it, it's a coping strategy. When life throws you shit, you've got to find some way to carry on, and life has no right to judge the way I chose to do it.</p><p>Of course, I subconsciously remain aware of my surroundings, it would be foolish not to, but it is so nice to have an escape from the world.</p><p>I start. Someone touched me.</p><p>Flinging myself away from the cold hand and crouching defensively I survey the situation. I don't see any danger, only an oaf of a man looking incredibly dumb struck.</p><p>"I'm so sorry Bella, I didn't mean to frighten you," Emmett rambles. "You weren't responding, I asked you a question and nothing happened. I was worried and didn't know what to do. I'm sorry. What can I do?"</p><p>"Shut up!" I snarl at him, exasperated with his nonsense words.</p><p>His mouth closes and he looks at me like a kicked puppy. Damn, sensitive much! I suddenly wished Jasper was back, it had been a fantastic release to yell and scream at him. An oh so satisfying to release all my pent-up frustrations. I couldn't do that to Emmett though, not with that look, besides, I didn't want to have to comfort a delicate vampire having a breakdown.</p><p>Then I remember my decision from earlier.</p><p>This situation could work to my advantage. Emmett is so gullible he'd probably believe anything! What a fantastic way to start my mission.</p><p>"Sorry," I say quietly, choosing to look down abashed. "Just, you know…"</p><p>"It's alright Bells, it was my fault anyway." He's buying it! "Are you okay?"</p><p>I stand up slowly, using the side of the bed to help me. If I appear weaker than I am, I can falsely build myself up so they think everything is going better than it is. Yes, great idea Bella!</p><p>"Ye, I think so. You just startled me." I remember what he had said during his ramble. "Sorry, what did I miss?"</p><p>As I sit back on the bed, he sends me that sickly pity look, the same one people give dying old people. Erugh! I could not wait to be rid of them once again.</p><p>"I asked if you wanted something to eat. It's getting late."</p><p>I look over at the clock with is miraculously still hanging on the wall above the door. Realising how late it in fact is, I check the window to see if the clock is right, maybe it had been set wrong. Nope, it is this late!</p><p>Time doesn't mean much to me anymore other than day is warm, and night is cold. My body had long ago given up on feeling hunger or lethargy at the correct times of day. I was fortunate that I'd stopped feeling most of the hunger pains early on. Some people never adapted to life without food.</p><p>I think for a moment. I defiantly don't feel hungry and I don't really have an appetite either. Can I eat something?</p><p>Realising I need to eat to prove to them that I am in fact "better", I sigh. "I'll try." Once again, I'm acting feeble so that I don't have to make any genuine "improvement", not that I need improvement. I've adapted to my environment and I sure as hell am not going to undo that hard work for the sake of them.</p><p>At my words, Emmett's face lights up like a child's on Christmas morning. God, he is really starting to do my head in. "What do you want? We have loads of stuff in. Alice and I have been shopping loads. Do you know they have all these fancy foods in now and everything is wrapped in plastic? In my day everything was so bland and simple. The colours are fantastic. Do you have a fav…" I tune him out again. Scrap starting, he is doing my head in.</p><p>"Umm, just make whatever, or I can do it I suppose. I just want a moment."</p><p>Once again playing the subdued human, I stumble over to the bathroom and close the door. Breathing a sigh of relief, I sit on the closed toilet seat lid and put my face in my hands. People, if you can call them people, are hard work.</p><p>Somehow, thinking of the bustle of life and people sparks a memory. It's nothing specific, more of a feeling really, but it's one that I've worked hard to bury. Belonging.</p><p>Imaged flash through my mind. The pack grouped around the bonfire. The awkward but loving nights watching games with Charlie.</p><p>I feel myself starting to panic. The images are rushing at me faster, taunting me, reminding me what a failure I've become. I want them to leave me alone.</p><p>The hairbrained schemes my mum dragged me into. Jacob's look of delight when I accepted his marriage proposal.</p><p><em>Make them stop!</em> I don't know if I've said it out loud, but I can't bring myself to care either.</p><p>Waking up after my first night of intimacy. My daughters face that first time I looked at her.</p><p>The walls are closing in. Someone has sucked all of the air from the room. I can't think straight.</p><p>Why is my head doing this to me?! I don't want to remember. It can't remember. Stop, stop, stop.</p><p>It doesn't stop, no matter how much I plead.</p><p>The images change, they become darker.</p><p>Jacob admitting the imprint to me. My first nights on the street. Edward leaving me in the forest.</p><p>I deserved it. I know I did. No one just has this much bad luck for no reason. I've never been spiritual, but on many occasions, I have wondered what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve this.</p><p>Victoria's evil glint when she found me. The final kiss goodbye with my unnamed child.</p><p>I've always regretted that. At the time I couldn't allow myself to form that sort of attachment with her, I couldn't make my departure even more difficult. Besides, she isn't mine any longer, her parents should have the right to name her.</p><p>My head started to picture a young girl the spitting image of me running around and playing. Going to school. Roasting marshmallows. Swimming in the ocean. I'd never see her grow up.</p><p>In the time I've been gone, it isn't rare for me to regret my decision in moments of weakness. I'd long to hold her in my arms. I'd long for someone who loves me, wants me, needs me.</p><p>Somewhere, a long distance away, there's a banging on the door. Someone is shouting to me, but I can't make out what they're saying.</p><p>My body is trembling so hard I crash to the floor. I try to suck in air but there is nothing there. The world is starting to swim before my eyes and my head is starting to spin. I need to breath.</p><p>I drag my fingers along the ground, trying to maneuver myself into a protective ball. My arms wrap around myself tightly, as though I am trying to squeeze all my broken pieces back together.</p><p>In my head, people start screaming at me.</p><p>"She's better off without you."</p><p>"Why couldn't Victoria deal with you properly."</p><p>"You were just a pet."</p><p>"I died because of you."</p><p>"We partied when you left."</p><p>I recognise all of their voices. They ring through my head joining my own self-destructive thoughts.</p><p>My nails claw at my head, as though scratching the voices away will work. It doesn't.</p><p>I scream.</p><p>
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